Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Movies that Weren't that Great, but Altered my Young Life.

The filmic moments that really affected me in my younger years were really um...not all that filmic. They were random things from really not-too-amazing B movies that I became obsessed with (because I was 11 and easily obsessive.) and so I give you the top Five Filmic Moments from some pretty bad movies that Changed my Little Middle School/High School life.

5.) Ever After: The Story with Drew Barrymore and the Awkward Cod Pieces

This was the movie with the cod-pieces--you know what I'm talking about. It was such a wonderfully and fantastically lame movie, yet during the tennis/badminton scene we small, innocent girls all had to turn away and cover our eyes because these guys were walking around with just some...really protective outfit choices and we had not yet come to terms with the male anatomy.

Oh to be young again and afraid of Cod peices.

Apparently everyone else is, too. I can't find shots of that scene anywhere.

Other than that, this movie changed my life for the copious amount of dresses she wears--espeically the fairy one at the end. Everyone and their mom was this chick for halloween. We wore glitter glitter glitter.

I was a cat again for some reason. One of my many regrets...

4.) A Knight's Tale: Heath Ledger in Dreads!

This movie was a milestone for me, after my Nsync crush on Lance Bass was fading, I found a real fake man to be in love with--and it was Heath Ledger in Dreads. Not only was he in Dreads, he was on a Horse. Not only was he on a Horse in Dreads, but he was in some really awesome armor that had a nike symbol on it for some reason. Not only all of that, but it had a farting scene at the very end.

What a great movie for my 12 year old heart!

Mind you, once I saw Heath Ledger without the dreads, I wasn't really down for him anymore.

3.) The Rat Race--2001 edition: 50 Lucy's stuck on a bus interrupted by interrupting Cow

The Rat Race, a hilariously not that funny movie from early 00's, I thought was the funniest movie of my whole life. It wasn't. But something about that bus full of Lucy's who (for some horrible reason) overflow the toilet with soap suds, are hit by a cow falling from the sky--that was a movie bliss for me: Pure movie bliss.

There's no pictures of this. You've been spared.

2.) Batman & Robin: Arnold Schwarzennegar would make a pretty good christmas ornament.

Probably one of the worls Batman & Robins ever made, this was the first PG 13 movie I ever saw. I remember it clearly, I was at Jason Shwab's birthday party full of all boys and me and Zola, and I was absolutely horrified that I would be too scared and would pee my pants and run out of the theatre and all the boys would think I was a little wuss. Luckily for me, this was Batman & Robin, where Arnold Schwarzennegar is dressed up in pretty blue tinsel and icing everything around acrobatically like a really weird olympic opening ceremony.

I conquered Batman & Robin, and I felt like I could conquer anything, and thus began my obsession with conquering roller coaster rides--rides that I was about 2 inches too short to ride. Then I really did pee my pants, but that's another story.

1.) X-2: The Movie Where Nightcrawler kicks everyone's ass for only 20 minutes.

I renamed x-2, better known as "The Movie where Nightcrawler kicks everyone's ass for only 20 minutes" was possibly the most impacting scene on my young life. Going along with my young theme of "Blue People are Awesome" something about Alan Cumming dressed in blue and CGI'd into a clever teleporting mutant kind of blew my mind. When it came out on DVD I must have secretly watched the first 20 minutes about 10 zillion times.

Unfortunately for this movie, the most kick-ass movie-mutant is placed in the back of the plane for the rest of the show. He has about 8 lines that either circle around his guilt for being so awesome, or is some warbling German that I really don't understand, and occasionally him going "I can't go where I can't see! I have no faith!" which is the most unbelieveable statement in the movie--just shut up and kick everyone's ass again, Nightcrawler!

And so for the next 140 minutes of the film, there's the constant
"How are we going to break in? what are we going to do?"

and we pray and pray that they'll use the awesome German, but instead:
"I know! Wolverine will solve this one! ahaha!"
Which is just plain annoying because Wolverine is boring and does not teleport. He kicks ass in a kitty-cat kind of way and really, honestly, I just want to see a blue-flying-chuck norris. That and I can't stand every time they pull out Jean. She's such a Mary Sue and her relationship bored me. /rant

So Alan Cumming didn't like the awesome makeup, something about waking up super early in the morning to look blue in the backdrop and have 0 lines sort of turned him off, I guess, so he went off to do bigger and better things, and Nightcrawler never again returned to the series. Hence why it kind of sucks now.

But the last I saw of Alan Cumming was on some cable station, I forget what the show was called--I only watched it for glimpses of Alan Cumming because he was trying to do an American accent (I love watching foreign actors try and pull off an American accent) and I secretly hoped that he would start teleporting around and kicking people.

Unfortunately, Alan Cumming played a "private twitter investigator." He only threatened to kick people. But no one was kicked. I was dissapointed.

I don't really know what he was doing in that role on American TV.

I figure it had something to do with making lots of money.

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